This a funny short story written by V.M. Basheer which I have translated into English, German and Russian as an experiment in the working of language. I have tried to retain the tone and feel of the original story in all the translations. The Russian and German versions follow this post.
Enjoy! :)
"If we had to end the war!" – with his teeth clenched, the left corner of his lips twisted and giving out a "shh" sound, happily scratching his eczema, lying spread out on a deck chair, the deep-thinker, the mighty man, the one with the terrible rage, the outstanding author, answered the young journalist's question with his own:
"You mean, what should I do to stop this war?"
"You don't have to do anything", explained the journalist, "What we would like to know is your opinion about all of this. What should people do to end the war once and for all?"
"Nothing! It's enough if you go away from here: fool!"
"You must say something. The world is suffering very much. Terrible destruction is occurring in the world. All of this must stop. Calm and peace must rule in the world now. Your valuable advice in this regard is asked for. If we had to end the war?"
"You dimwit, you idiot, did the war start after consulting me? Wars have been existing since time immemorial; when this one here is over, a different one will immediately start! If only two people were left in the world, they would fight with each other. If after that just one is left, then there would be a fight between his right and left hand. Finally he will also die– and then peace! Now get lost!"
"Aiyo, that isn't enough! No more wars should happen! If we had to end the war?"
"Go and ask the other idiotic thinkers; don’t trouble me!
“We already asked them”, said the journalist sheepishly, “Don’t we all know of your rage? It’s only that you were the last in line. Of course we know that your opinion is more important than the opinions of the others.”
“Well, what did the others say; if we have to end the war... ?”
“The world should accept Zoroastrianism, the world should accept Confucianism, the world should listen to the tune of Krishna’s flute, the world should follow the Buddha, the world should follow Jesus, the world should believe in Muhammed, the world should follow Guru Nanak… and so on and so forth.”
“Is that it!”, that one with the terrible rage asked while scratching his eczema furiously, “Didn’t the other set say anything?”
“They did. If we have to end the war, the world should accept communism; so said one person. Others said, anarchism should be accepted. Another thinker said that fascism should come. Yet another person said that the principle of non-violence should be accepted. And what do you say– if we had to end the war?”
“You must agree that I am the greatest prophet of this age!”
“I agree. And what about the rest of the world... ?”
“The rest also you will have to convince of this. Let it be printed in your newspaper! Declare that you are my first follower!”
“But, have you seen a vision? Some kind of enlightenment?”
“Yes, halfwit!”, and saying this he turned his eyes away with a twisted smile, and accompanied by “krrkrr” sounds, continued scratching at his eczema with great pleasure.
Looking at him in such a position, it seemed to the journalist that he had forgotten about the world. The journalist moved slightly. That one with the terrible rage turned and said:
“What, buffoon, haven’t you gone yet?”
“No. You still haven’t shared that message. If we had to end the war?”
“You probably are aware of the secret, that one should hit one’s wife and children. Listen here, I haven’t hit my wife or children in more than one and a half years. I forget… this amnesia!”
“What! You mean that forgetfulness has been troubling you for the past one and a half years?”
“Blockhead! No, joy! Joy!”
“I don’t understand!”
“Look here, in these past one and a half years, have I thrashed any journalists, critics or publishers to a pulp?”
“No!”
“In the last one and a half years, have I written and published a new book?”
“No!”
“In the last one and a half years, have any police cases been registered in my name?”
“I haven’t heard!”
“Why? Blockhead, why?”
“I do not know.”
“Why don’t you find out? Am I not “news” for you?”
“You are. That was a mistake on the part of my newspaper. You must forgive us for that. If we had to end the war?”
“Oh go and pray!”
“Aiyo, people have been praying for many years now. It has been totally useless. You must tell us your wisdom, if we had to end the war?”
“Has eyes, but doesn’t see. Has ears, but doesn’t hear… blockhead. The biggest possible blockhead! Get lost!”
“Aiyo, that’s not enough! You must give us that teaching! If we had to end the war?”
“Whom does it harm if this war doesn’t end? Is your paper being circulated less?”
“No.”
“Are my books being circulated less?”
“No.”
“Then, you go now!”
“Aiyo, you must teach something. All the peace and tranquility of this great world is forever anchored in you. If we had to end the war?”
“If we had to end the war!” That one with the terrible rage, with a “krrkrr” scratching and scraping and clawing his eczema with immense pleasure, then proclaimed:
“All the national leaders, all the ministers, all the thinkers, all policemen, magistrates, judges, lawyers, editors, teachers – every single person on this earth – should get as itchy, biting and wonderful an eczema as mine!”
Written by V.M. Basheer (original- Yuddham avasanikkanamenkil?)
Translated from Malayalam into English by Srikant Elassery.
Enjoy! :)
"If we had to end the war!" – with his teeth clenched, the left corner of his lips twisted and giving out a "shh" sound, happily scratching his eczema, lying spread out on a deck chair, the deep-thinker, the mighty man, the one with the terrible rage, the outstanding author, answered the young journalist's question with his own:
"You mean, what should I do to stop this war?"
"You don't have to do anything", explained the journalist, "What we would like to know is your opinion about all of this. What should people do to end the war once and for all?"
"Nothing! It's enough if you go away from here: fool!"
"You must say something. The world is suffering very much. Terrible destruction is occurring in the world. All of this must stop. Calm and peace must rule in the world now. Your valuable advice in this regard is asked for. If we had to end the war?"
"You dimwit, you idiot, did the war start after consulting me? Wars have been existing since time immemorial; when this one here is over, a different one will immediately start! If only two people were left in the world, they would fight with each other. If after that just one is left, then there would be a fight between his right and left hand. Finally he will also die– and then peace! Now get lost!"
"Aiyo, that isn't enough! No more wars should happen! If we had to end the war?"
"Go and ask the other idiotic thinkers; don’t trouble me!
“We already asked them”, said the journalist sheepishly, “Don’t we all know of your rage? It’s only that you were the last in line. Of course we know that your opinion is more important than the opinions of the others.”
“Well, what did the others say; if we have to end the war... ?”
“The world should accept Zoroastrianism, the world should accept Confucianism, the world should listen to the tune of Krishna’s flute, the world should follow the Buddha, the world should follow Jesus, the world should believe in Muhammed, the world should follow Guru Nanak… and so on and so forth.”
“Is that it!”, that one with the terrible rage asked while scratching his eczema furiously, “Didn’t the other set say anything?”
“They did. If we have to end the war, the world should accept communism; so said one person. Others said, anarchism should be accepted. Another thinker said that fascism should come. Yet another person said that the principle of non-violence should be accepted. And what do you say– if we had to end the war?”
“You must agree that I am the greatest prophet of this age!”
“I agree. And what about the rest of the world... ?”
“The rest also you will have to convince of this. Let it be printed in your newspaper! Declare that you are my first follower!”
“But, have you seen a vision? Some kind of enlightenment?”
“Yes, halfwit!”, and saying this he turned his eyes away with a twisted smile, and accompanied by “krrkrr” sounds, continued scratching at his eczema with great pleasure.
Looking at him in such a position, it seemed to the journalist that he had forgotten about the world. The journalist moved slightly. That one with the terrible rage turned and said:
“What, buffoon, haven’t you gone yet?”
“No. You still haven’t shared that message. If we had to end the war?”
“You probably are aware of the secret, that one should hit one’s wife and children. Listen here, I haven’t hit my wife or children in more than one and a half years. I forget… this amnesia!”
“What! You mean that forgetfulness has been troubling you for the past one and a half years?”
“Blockhead! No, joy! Joy!”
“I don’t understand!”
“Look here, in these past one and a half years, have I thrashed any journalists, critics or publishers to a pulp?”
“No!”
“In the last one and a half years, have I written and published a new book?”
“No!”
“In the last one and a half years, have any police cases been registered in my name?”
“I haven’t heard!”
“Why? Blockhead, why?”
“I do not know.”
“Why don’t you find out? Am I not “news” for you?”
“You are. That was a mistake on the part of my newspaper. You must forgive us for that. If we had to end the war?”
“Oh go and pray!”
“Aiyo, people have been praying for many years now. It has been totally useless. You must tell us your wisdom, if we had to end the war?”
“Has eyes, but doesn’t see. Has ears, but doesn’t hear… blockhead. The biggest possible blockhead! Get lost!”
“Aiyo, that’s not enough! You must give us that teaching! If we had to end the war?”
“Whom does it harm if this war doesn’t end? Is your paper being circulated less?”
“No.”
“Are my books being circulated less?”
“No.”
“Then, you go now!”
“Aiyo, you must teach something. All the peace and tranquility of this great world is forever anchored in you. If we had to end the war?”
“If we had to end the war!” That one with the terrible rage, with a “krrkrr” scratching and scraping and clawing his eczema with immense pleasure, then proclaimed:
“All the national leaders, all the ministers, all the thinkers, all policemen, magistrates, judges, lawyers, editors, teachers – every single person on this earth – should get as itchy, biting and wonderful an eczema as mine!”
Written by V.M. Basheer (original- Yuddham avasanikkanamenkil?)
Translated from Malayalam into English by Srikant Elassery.
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